A Canadian in Florida

A snowbird drives to Florida for the winter and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away!

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.

So she goes over to him and says that she's the best in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And he leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"

Dressed for Canada

A couple are at the airport in Phoenix, awaiting their flight.
They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, and all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.
An older American couple standing nearby are intrigued by their manner of dress.
The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?"
He replies, "How would I know?"
She counters, "You could go and ask them."
He says, "I don't really care. You want to know, you go ask them."
She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me, I’ve noticed the way you're dressed and I wonder where you're from?"
The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The woman returns to her husband who asks, “So, where are they from?"
She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."

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The Strong Man

At a local bar in downtown Pickering the owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.
Many people had tried,.....over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.
After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..." He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it...... Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for Revenue Canada."

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The Phone to Heaven
 

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC , Philadelphia , Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call from Canada and The Villages, Florida

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Top Reasons to live in Canada
 
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3 . Tax is 5% instead  of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours. 
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that! 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ..
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
・ Californians shiver uncontrollably.
・ Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
・ Italian Cars won't start
・ Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
・ American water freezes
・ Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
・ New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
・ Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
・ Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
・ Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
・ Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
・ Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
・ Ethyl alcohol freezes.
・ Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
・ Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
・ Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
・ Hell freezes over.
・ The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

In the did you ever wonder department, click here to find out why the Animals of Section "B" sing O Canada at Florida State University (FSU) baseball games.  Use your back button to return here.

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Canada Goes to War !

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh. I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CAN NOT BE SHAKEN

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Happy Hour

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in The Villages in Florida...  They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents'. They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"  There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other.

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime...wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same." "Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Canada. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."